Jessie, you made me feel so comfortable during our matchmaking consultation. I felt like I was talking to a girlfriend! Thank you for taking so much time to get to know me. Your feedback on how I was holding myself back from meeting quality men was really insightful and inspiring. I can’t wait to meet my first match!
Anni, I am so impressed with your attention to detail and personal approach to matchmaking. So many dating events are cheesy and awkward and it shows that you put so much effort to set yourself apart from other dating services. I have learned so much from your dating advice and appreciate the candid feedback that you so tactfully deliver.
Jessie has shown to be a warm encouraging fan and expresses a sincere desire to find a match. Her mixers are a nice range of both women and men and it’s easy to feel comfortable without feeling you are in a “single” situation. She’s a good listener, shows good humor, and is certainly engaging in her role as a matchmaker.
We at The Real Matchmaker have been spending a ton of time lately researching the hundreds of dating coaches out there relationship advisers out there. It’s mind-boggling! Frankly, it’s difficult to comprehend how dating coaching can be effective without actually meeting people. Our mission in doing this research was to find the common themes and condense them into a handy dandy quick read so that you can spend less time trying to figure out how to get what you want and more time actually GETTING IT.
Accept the person you are today. Acknowledge what you are most proud of. Take the steps to improve upon the areas in which you feel you need to grow. Make a commitment to say 3 nice things to yourself for every 1 negative thought.
Be a reflection of the partner you desire
Assess yourself: Career, finances, body image, social life, family values, household habits, spirituality, emotional stability, and what your relationship goals are. Are you a mirror of the partner that you desire? If not, you must choose to improve upon yourself or adjust your expectations. You must enter into a lasting relationship as equals.
Remember: You are a capable of loving and being loved. You are worthy of adoration and loyalty. You are an open invitation to love and devotion.
Let Go of Fear
This can be a challenge and it takes being very honest and vulnerable with yourself to identify the source of your fear. Fear is your biggest obstacle in attaining a healthy relationship, so we’ve developed some affirmations when you need to talk yourself off the ledge:
- Fear of rejection (not being loved)
The person you attract will be attracted to you
- Fear of needs not being met (disappointment)
The person you choose will compromise to meet your needs
- Fear of abandonment (not feeling secure)
The person you attract will be loyal and supportive
- Fear of not being good enough (not feeling valued)
The person you attract will celebrate the person you are today, not who you could potentially be
- Fear of wasting time (missed opportunities)
You make a conscious decision to let go of your Plan B and invest your heart in the person in front of you
- Fear of choosing the wrong partner (self-doubt)
You have reached a level of self-awareness and value that allows you to trust yourself in choosing a partner that is attracted to you, meets your needs, that is loyal, that celebrates who you are today, and you have let go of questioning who else is out there.
Get into ACTION
You will not bring a partner into your life without action. Get involved with singles social groups, join an online dating site, and hire a matchmaker. Make a commitment to go on at least 2 dates a month.
ccept that your life will change when you bring another into your life
You will be glad to accommodate and make room for your partner in life. Clear out space to actively seek your partner.
Change Your Mind-set About the Journey
Finding your partner should be fun. Let go of your expectations of the end result and enjoy the present. When you are engaged in the moment, happy, and care-free you will be more likely to attract a loving partner.
San Francisco has gotten some flack recently as being the top Snobbiest Cities in the US. Let’s be honest…we SF’ers kinda like our elite reputation. We’re a hotbed of intellectuals, techies, artists, chefs, sommeliers, and entrepreneurs. Our city is BEAUTIFUL, and most people you meet are fit, outdoorsy, and adventuresome because we have all the wonders of nature surrounding us. We are 7×7 miles packed full of a bunch of bad asses!! So why wouldn’t we want to wear the crown of the elite? Well, you know the saying: It’s lonely at the top.
Having interviewed and worked with hundreds of single men and women of all ages I hear a lot of complaints from men and women. The most common of all are: Men say that women are not NICE when approached. Women say that men are not aggressive or confident enough.
Can you see the disconnect here?
Let’s face it ladies, we are FIERCE. We have accomplished so much, traveled everywhere, and have tons of friends and activities to keep our calendars full outside of our busy work lives. We’re hard wired to be cautious when it comes to getting to know men. Have you noticed how often men approach a woman only to have her immediately lean back and size him up? It’s what we do! He then has to overcome our skepticism and begin to prove that he’s not there to roofie our $20 artisan cocktail. From that point we might begin the interview process by asking what he does for a living. Guess what? He knows he’s being tested. Here’s the thing to know about SF guys: they are just as confident and sure of themselves as we are. If you put yourself in his shoes would you feel like dancing like a monkey to keep him entertained? Didn’t think so. So what happens is that after this dog and pony show goes down in flames too many times: Men. Stop. Trying. This is why as we approach the age that we actually want to go out and hunt for a boyfriend, all the dudes have their eyes fixed to the television or are off playing pool with their wolf pack.
So ladies, the next time a guy hovers next to you or makes some eye contact, give him a smile and say hello. He’ll then have the green-light to come up to you and show you what a catch he is.
Now, it’s not all our fault, ladies. Men could stand to own their role in the proverbial mating dance too. Listen guys, we know we can be a bit harsh at first, but it really doesn’t take a lot to bust down that icy wall. If you approach a woman and she gives you the stare-down, call her out! Seriously. Don’t tell her to get that bitch look off her face or anything (that would be very, very bad), but flash a big smile and say “do I have something on my shirt?” then quickly introduce yourself and say something nice to her. She’ll respect that you acknowledged that she was sizing you up, but you can’t be intimidated by that! You’re going for it! And now that you have given her some validation, she’ll be inclined to reciprocate and give you a shot. The thing about SF ladies is that we want a man that has the cojones to stand up to us. That doesn’t mean that, contrary to popular belief, that women are only attracted to jerks. We only want a man that can stand up to a little heat because we are after all, pretty hot to trot.
The lesson we learn from this is that as men and women, we have a responsibility to make the dating world a little less rough and tumble. We owe it to each other to be considerate, open, and direct.
Now that you are empowered with this knowledge and have some new guns in your dating arsenal, it’s time to get out and fire away! Visit therealmatchmaker.com to sign up for a sizzling Single to Mingle event where you can meet single professionals and show off your new moves!
It never fails that at least once a day someone tells me about the methods, rules, and-dare I say-myths singles subscribe to on their quest for love. I always listen intently, waiting to hear how this little trick or test is the sure fire way to “figure women out” or “find out right away if he’s boyfriend material”. Now, before you write me off as Judgy McJudgerson, keep reading. Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life…HA! Yeahright. I LIVE to tell you how to live your life. Well, your love life anyway. Trust me, I’m on your side and I love you! That is why I must put the kibosh on this malarkey right here, right now.
This is business so I am bringing out the bullet points for dramatic effect and because I’m friggin’ serious:
- You will know within 30 seconds if you feel physically attracted- If we only had 30 seconds to give an answer, the human race would have died out long ago. Obviously, you can tell if someone is hot or not at first glance. Fortunately for all of us, we have the ability to change our minds. Chances are it took a while (definitely more than 30 seconds!) to get the date lined up and you have already spent some time and money getting ready for the date (I hope!); So if you show up and your date doesn’t immediately light your fire, just relax and let go of your expectations. Without the pressure you can just enjoy getting to know the person. Worst case scenario, the night is pleasant at best. Best case scenario you start feeling warm and fuzzy mid-date and could just end up living happily ever after; Or maybe just making a new friend.
- Wait 3 days before you call… B.K.A The 3 Day Rule-3 days!? That is an eternity when you want to know if someone is interested! Plus, it gives the person playing the waiting game WAY too much time to analyze. When rejection is looming defense mechanisms kick in and all kinds of assumptions are being made about why you haven’t called and why you aren’t good enough anyway. Hmpf! Not knowing if the other person likes you or when you will see them again sucks, so get on the horn no more than 2 days after and make an action plan for your next date.
- The person must have/be (insert physical characteristic here)- This is usually height, weight, or race, so you get a pass if you are a woman that is over 5’10″ that wants a 6′+ guy, or if you have a very active lifestyle and want someone fit, or if you or your family have cultural objections to a particular race or religion*. It’s perfectly okay to have standards, but if you are hung up on a particular “look” or physical “type” you might want to examine what qualities your ideal partner would possess. Physical attraction is vital to a romantic relationship, no doubt about it, but so are values, trust, humor, and a desire to look after each other’s needs. Take it from me, I was partial to Asian guys until I took a chance on a tall, bearded Jewish chap wearing a hot dog suit because his profile was well-written, hilarious, and endearing. Blah blah blah….and then I married him.
- My friends and family have to approve first- If the person you are dating treats you like gold and leads a life that you approve of, but your friends or family give them the thumbs down, it is time to tell them what to do with that thumb! Friends and family try to look out for your best interests, but be wary if you see a theme that no one is ever good enough for you in their eyes. You may have to stop telling them about the details of your dating life if you feel that they are always throwing salt in your game. NEVER introduce your date to your family right away or “accidentally” bump into your best friends on your second night out. If your family or friends play too much of a roll in your decision making it will become tiresome to your partner and could cost you the relationship in the long run. Start setting boundaries with your loved ones now and try making relationship choices on your own or with the help of a professional.
- I won’t have sex on the first date- This is actually a really good rule. Don’t break this rule.
*Race is a touchy subject. It could be that you have never been physically attracted, a cultural issue, the opinion of your family, etc. Bottom line: Be open minded and be true to yourself when it comes to dating outside of your race.
Now more than ever tensions run high if your conversation takes a turn the political on a date. At times, I have lifted my hands in the air and cried “CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!?”, but If Bill Clinton and George W. Bush can play nice, theoretically it will be even easier with someone who has the potential to be the love of your life. While I will remain neutral and keep my own opinions away from this post, I thought it timely to provide some helpful strategies for all of you-regardless of the boxes you check on the ballot this November.
Let’s talk about the elephant (and the donkey) in the room, shall we?
Firstly, take a moment to really think about how big of a role politics really play in your life and if being in a relationship with someone who belongs to a different political party would really make a difference to you. Personally, I had a wonderful friendship and long distance relationship with a man who served in the navy for nine years. In that time we developed political beliefs that were farther away than the actual oceans that were physically between us. So we chose not to talk about it-and our relationship was grand while it lasted. We both agreed that we could respect each other’s beliefs support one another’s career choices. Which is fundamental in a relationship, anyway. If you know yourself enough to recognize that you could never “sleep with the enemy”, then you should mention your viewpoint in your online profile or discuss this with your match maker to avoid disappointment.
In the event that you are caught by surprise on your date, you will need to be prepared on how to avoid getting into a heated debate. It is very easy to get sucked into trying to change the view point of the other person when you discover that you don’t see eye to eye. Arguments are what cause relationships to fail, so why on earth would you try to create a relationship with a fight!? While your differences in opinion could be too great to pursue a relationship, keep in mind that you will do a better job of spoiling the entire evening than changing the other person’s view point if you get too passionate (not just about politics, either. Slow down there, Tiger!). A better approach when you discover that you don’t agree with the person is to fight the urge to counter attack and instead, ask a question such as
“Are you off your rocker!?” “Interesting point. What was it that inspired your opinion on that?” You may learn something new or the person could share something personal with you that can create a bond, or at the very least, set the course of conversation on to a different subject.
Keeping the energy light, friendly, and humorous should be at the forefront of your mind no matter what topics you find yourselves engaged in. While the issues at hand are very serious, there is plenty to laugh about too. For example, can we all agree that Big Bird should keep his job? I mean, Oscar the Grouch lives in a garbage can as it is, and I think we all know that Snuffleupagus is lazy, and frankly, a bit of a bummer to be around. Sesame Street needs high morale, and that elephant isn’t helping. See? Silly! Funny!
Political views are deeply personal for some, so be conscientious in how you frame your opinions. For instance, if you blurt out “If you live in America, you need to learn to speak English!” your outburst could be perceived as abrasive and insensitive, while saying “I believe that to be a citizen, individuals should be proficient in the language spoken in that country.” is more likely to be perceived as an intellectual approach to the subject. When you offend someone, you will have to dig yourself out of a hole to get back in their good graces. If you find yourself in the hot seat, crack a joke STAT! “Maybe I should call the waiter over to get some water to wash down my foot” or “Sorry, that was a direct quote from Rush Limbaugh…shoulda known better!” Don’t let your date take you too seriously, and be sure to apologize for the gaffe.
You know the feeling. The nagging ball in your stomach when you think about your last date. The twinkle in their eye…the talk of getting together next week…that awkward goodbye hug. Oof. I cringe just thinking about it! That knowing that you don’t want the follow up date. That knowing that, no, you don’t want to stay in touch-even as friends.
A cherished client of mine brought the following scenario to me the other day. He had taken a woman out that he met on his own and knew she was interested. At the end of the date they had talked about going out again the next week. He wasn’t really interested, but she called and they talked about it, but he didn’t solidify the date. The question is:
“We only went on one date. Do I tell her I am too busy and hope that she gets the hint, or do I flat out tell her I’m not interested?”
Before I go on to answer, I will mention that match making isn’t just putting two people together; it’s what happens after that teaches you how people react to each other-and to the process of dating as a whole. I have had hundreds (probably more like thousands) of conversations with people who are navigating a blow off. They thought things were going well, only to be met with the ominous “Things are really busy right now” line or maybe never even got a response at all. Most people don’t shrug that off as easily as you think.
So! You could tell her you are busy and hope that she takes the hint. However, from her perspective, you had indicated that you would be open to seeing more of her. This is the type of behavior that makes dating so frustrating!!!
In the moment you play along to be polite, “Sure I’d like to see you again! *Cough* let’s do that…sometime,” then it’s only a matter of time before she gives up on you and your busy schedule, right? If you’re lucky, she won’t call and you’ll never see her again. But how would you feel if you ran into her at friend’s BBQ a few months from now knowing that you blew her off? Awkward! Why is it awkward? Because you know that you had indicated a possibility of moving forward knowing that you weren’t interested. That’s called Game Playing.
Since we’re assuming outcomes, let’s also assume how she may or may not be feeling about you. She could be lukewarm about you and is being more aggressive since she doesn’t really care as much whether or not you want to be her boyfriend, OR, she could be feeling pretty excited because you were exactly who she has been looking for so she’s swallowing her pride and making it easy for you to ask her out. So I am compelled to ask: Do you really want to risk hurting someone?
I say, bite the bullet and let her know where you stand. I call this The Compliment Sandwich! This is composed of three simple parts:
- I had a very nice time getting to know you.
- I don’t see this moving forward
- You are a good person and I wish you the best
The art of delivering a compliment sandwich is to keep it brief and keep it simple. The above is in it’s purest form, so definitely warm it up and personalize it to your situation. If you have only been on a date or two, you risk making a bigger deal out of ending things than you need to if you over-explain yourself or apologize; which might end up offending the other person unintentionally.
There are two sources of anxiety when dating someone new: 1.) Not knowing if the other person likes you, and 2.) Not knowing when or if you will see the other person again. When the ball is in your court to provide the answer to these two questions, the only thing you owe the other person IS an answer.
While it is easier said than done to deliver a compliment sandwich, who wants to walk around wondering if they’ll have to dodge a call or feeling guilty that you may have let someone down? Plain and simple, it’s just good manners.